You saw Mommy doing what with Santa?

The shopping/business district in Astoria is primarily centered on Steinway Street. Each December, some local merchants regale passersby with a non-stop playlist of classic Christmas carols.

Like everyone else around here, I’ve learned to tune out the din but, on a recent walk, I decided to focus in on the lyrics of a particular classic: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” 

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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus 

Underneath the mistletoe last night

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Sure, it’s possible that “Mommy” is a single woman but the early implication in the opening verse of this song is that she clearly is not. Three things, however, are certain: 

1. We’ve strayed a long way from the origin story of Saint Nicholas (a.k.a. Sinter Klass), a man known for his generous propensity to give away whatever he owned to those in need

2. Our modern, commercial version of Santa is definitely married

3. The song’s “Mommy” doesn’t seem overly concerned about her kids catching her as she gets busy right in the middle of the living room

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She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have a peep 

She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

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Why would she assume such a thing on Christmas Eve? Kids are notoriously trying to stay awake in the hope of catching a glimpse of this elusive and mysterious cryptid named “Santa Claus.” Every Mommy knows that. 

Some might assume the kid is dreaming. In psychology, there is something called the Santa Complex in which young children idealize Father Christmas as if he were their actual father. 

Others might say the song’s youthful narrator is merely witnessing Mommy kissing Daddy while Daddy wears a Santa suit. But, since the kids are assumed “fast asleep,” why would Daddy even bother dressing up? Roleplay, perhaps? The plot thickens.

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Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus 

Underneath his beard so snowy white

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Kinky.

So, let’s recap: We’ve got potential adultery and/or role-play along with some very disturbing exhibitionism and now a tickling fetish. What’s next? Does jolly old Saint Nick have a Tinder profile featuring a twist on the phrase “yule log”?

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What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen 

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

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Hold on. How old is this kid and why in the world would he or she want Mommy to get busted in the middle of hooking up?

Either way, it demonstrates an awfully sadistic mean streak for such a young child. Perhaps the kid thinks Mommy has had it coming for a long time. Or maybe they have issues with Daddy and would genuinely get a chuckle out of seeing him walk in to find his wife in the living room, canoodling with a rotund older man in a tight red jumpsuit. 

The sound of a car horn interrupted my scandalous Steinway Street speculation. I glanced about to see if anyone else might’ve been ruminating upon the idea of Santa getting sleighed on Christmas Eve but, alas, the people in my vicinity were keeping their feelings masked (insert rimshot here).

So, I simply walked home to write all of this down for you. 

You’re welcome.