What Do You REALLY Want From Others?
There is a thin line between self-examination and self-flagellation.
Your internal critic must not be given free reign but… there are times when you’re justified to take the gloves off. For example, think about your intentions and behavior whenever you spend time with another person.
Hold on, let’s back up and first explore the use of the word “spend” here. That choice betrays an inhuman, capitalist mindset as it assumes time (like virtually everything else) is a commodity. Language itself has been integrated into the Almighty Market™.
Hence, life in a consumer culture leaves us saying all sorts of silly, counterproductive things like “spend time” or “invest in a relationship.”
So, to begin again: think about your intentions and behavior whenever you pass time with another person.
There’s an excellent chance you want something from them. It could be material, e.g. a loan, borrowing their car, getting them to write a letter of recommendation, or whatever.
You might crave something more abstract like validation, (positive or negative) attention, or mutual attraction. No, no, you assure me, I just want to help. Key word: want.
I can easily recall innumerable times when I’ve been miffed that someone turned down my oh-so-generous offer of help or even worse, my wisdom (cue the shame and self-loathing).
With all this clouding our overburdened minds, I’ll share with you one of our most challenging goals: To far more often pass time with people without any overt or covert agenda.
Since every meeting (IRL or virtual) has the potential to be our last, why wouldn’t I do everything in my power to savor the experience as just that: an experience?
No strings attached. A radically honest communing of two souls. Or, as Patti Smith once put it, making our interactions less transactional and more transformational.
Toward that end, let’s edit our word choice one more time: Think about your intentions and behavior whenever you share time with another person.
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I think especially the English language has these evaluating words. We Dutch speakers just get together. We go and meet with someone. I think the same goes for German or French and Italians usually have meals or a drink together. Only English spend time together. Language itself tells on its speakers.
I tend to think of hanging out with my friends as a time when we converse, exchange ideas, share perspectives, even work through difficult topics we may not agree upon yet we respect one another's opinions. Hanging out can be going for a hike or mountain biking or riding horses; no words are spoken for hours and yet we're comfortable in silence. My observation over the years is that those who lash out, demand, wheedle, or otherwise manipulate their "friends" lack introspective examination and often have an agenda at hand. I prefer to avoid that personality type as it is exhausting to be around. Good friends are a treasure and I hold them close to my heart and soul.