What would our lives be like if we embraced & shared our truest selves?

For example, imagine if titles like “truther” & “free thinker” were properly earned

If you only know me from reading my articles or listening to my podcasts, you’re aware of a very limited version of me. You'd likely be utterly astonished if you were to spend any extended time with me in person. That’s because — like EVERYONE else — I present a different “self,” depending on the situation and how comfortable I am with you.

My landlord, for example, has an extremely distorted perception of me. She’d probably LOL if she heard one of my friends describe me. Ask my ex-wife’s family about me. Ask a random co-worker from a random previous job about me. Ask someone I once marched with, back in my “activist” days. You’d think they were talking about three wildly different people. 

Concurrently, I often feel like a different person when interacting within discrete situations. Who I am often feels dependent on context.  

My readers may call me snarky. The neighbors in my building might call me a “noodge.” The cashiers at the local supermarket would likely say I’m sweet and polite. The homeless women I help see me as reliable and a good listener. The editors and publishers I’ve worked with saw me as, um… opinionated.

My personal training clients once frequently remarked on my boundless patience. My best friend could tell you tales of my epic silly side (which only a few have ever witnessed in full effect).

And there are parts of me which I sadly feel like I’ve never shown the world. Which one of those selves is me? All of them? None of them? What does it mean to have so many selves?

Generally speaking, this is fine. It’s normal. Or, I should say, it passes for “normal” in the twisted culture we call home. But I’ll come back to the whole “twisted culture” thing in a minute. For now, let’s dig a little deeper into what we mean by “self.”

There is a theory in psychology that we each are made up of three categories of self. Think of them as overlapping layers or dimensions we call upon — depending, again, on context. This flies in the face of self-help exhortations to be your “true self” or “authentic self,” but we’ll get to that shortly. First, the three dimensions:

• Biogenic: Chalk this layer up to your genetics. This is not to say it’s all carved in stone but your biology certainly plays a determinative role in the self you are and the self you show.

• Sociogenic: If biogenic is nature, sociogenic is nurture. They’re not always so easy to tell apart though. For example, I’ve known people who claim that a condition like diabetes “runs” in their family. It’s possible, but it’s more possible that certain “inherited” lifestyle choices influenced their medical history far more so than their DNA.

• Idiogenic: Here is where your choices play the biggest role. Your idiogenic self is formed via the interests and passions you prioritize in your life. Preferences and needs loom large here. This dimension helps shape that carefully curated image you present to the world on social media, etc.

Of course, each of the above categories contains multitudes. Each of those multitudes blur into one another. So then, can you truly be authentic? Or has this society made it feel necessary for you to censor yourself? Is it healthy to be so many versions of you? 

My answers: Probably yes, definitely yes, and probably not.

Some form of compromise will be necessary from time to time — but nowhere near as often as we’re programmed to believe. 

My heart tells me that there’s something inherently wrong with a cultural structure that imposes so many metaphorical masks upon us. Of course, there’s no “scientific” way to prove this belief but science does not exist to reveal the important, enduring truths. 

We warred over masks recently but since when is it a new thing that we hide our faces in the name of avoiding certain kinds of interactions? Thanks to accepted norms and sheer dread at the thought of straying too far from “normal,” we usually disguise our most authentic selves. We dole it out in meticulously chosen mini-portions. We do so because we’re deeply conditioned from a very young age to not rock the boat, to fit in at all costs.

Our acquiescence in a disturbingly broad range of areas — political, spiritual, scientific, and more — appears to have no limits. For example, we all love to talk the talk about being fearless and tough but when we’re ordered to remove our shoes before going through airport security, it’s “yes, sir” all the way. 

Mainstream expectations have internalized a fair amount of “coward” into all of us. How in the world could we ever be expected to work up the nerve to divulge the deepest aspects of who we truly are?

If you have to squash some of your strongest impulses in order to maintain a friendship or attract a partner, where does that leave you? Bravely living as your deepest self may result in being ostracized and lonely. Succumbing to enforced norms may result in you living a life of make-believe, keeping your core values and beliefs hidden. Must we wait for society to change before we can be true to ourselves?

It doesn’t have to be like this. We don’t have to cater our existence to what we think others want or prefer. Sure, it sounds and feels so, so risky to expand your comfort zone and stick your neck out. 

Almost all of what we fear never comes to pass and if it does, it plays out differently from what we imagined. What if we each waved our freak flags high? Look around, what do we have to lose except our chains? 

In fact, about those chains: They just might be of our own making. What would our lives be like if we each fearlessly embraced and shared our truest selves? 

I say we find out. 

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